(Sent by Grace)
Rita:
Dear Grace,
When you ask yourself if you ruined people with whom you got involved, or was responsible for holding back someone’s life, you must know that there is no absolute truth like a yes or a no. The only one capable of answering such questions is yourself and, if you answer yes, then you will internalize the belief that you have this negative effect on others and your actions will take you to experiment everything that proves you right. However, if you answer no, you will be creating another reality in your Universe.
It seems that, just by the fact that you were capable of formulating these questions, you already have internalized in yourself the belief that your relationships are destined to failure. For this reason, the best now is not to try to change the one who is by your side, and neither worrying if it was you who caused the end of your past relationships. The best you can do now is to change something inside of you. And you must start by eliminating such negative beliefs.
Analysing in a very simple way one of your statements, you suspect that your ex-boyfriend used to drink when you were together and you were not good enough to help him stop. This means, his life went through a stagnation period while you were together. Then another girlfriend came to his life and he stopped drinking. So you concluded that she was good enough and she healed him. And yes, this can be one way of looking at this situation.
Nevertheless, in the deepest truth of the Universe, everything that he achieved with the second girlfriend, he could have achieved with you. Changing partners was just his process, of which you were part. He quit drinking simply because his moment of quitting it had arrived. He had to go through all these years by your side, to argue, to break up and find someone else. Each part of the process was essential.
Life is always in movement, nothing is ecstatic. When you see a finished building, a bloomed flower, you must remember that none of these became like that overnight. But the mind doesn’t want to see it. The mind is an ego trying to identify other egos. It wants to trace square shapes, put each thing in different boxes and create labels that say: such person is responsible for this, that other one for that. The truth, however, is that reality doesn’t have any exactitude in it.
These people you have met, your current boyfriend, just as you and all beings of this Universe, are going through a process. And the cosmic energy that moves forward life and each one of these processes is the love. That is why, you must have the consciousness that nobody in here is having their lives held back, or ruined, or going downhill. Love doesn’t know any of these words, because love only grows. It only grows and takes forward each being by different paths. And in spite of these paths being not the same, some longer and others shorter, their destiny is always the enlightenment.
Now, answering your question, if you can change and improve this relationship. See, the relationship doesn’t exist, it is just an idea. You cannot live worrying about the relationship because the relationship is not something. While you are concentrating in the idea of the relationship, you won’t ever achieve results, because you will be creating expectations on something abstract.
You won’t live with the relationship as to one day being able to say: “Ok! Now my relationship is fixed, so I can live at ease the days from now on.” But instead, you will live with yourself and with the other person, so the only thing you can do is to be aware in every moment you are together, in you acts and words. Be what you want this that you call relationship, to be. Eliminate negative tendencies in you. If you want it to be loving, be more loving, be more receptive. Trust that you two will be fine even if you don’t demand from him answers for your questions, because your questions are just the reflection of your fear and lack of trust that Existence loves you. Celebrate more the present. That is the only thing to do, because it is the only thing that is at your reach, and actually, it is more than enough.
‘
You can choose to allow or not love to flow at each moment. The more you practice, the more you will understand and, one day, you will see that everything was transformed and then you will look inside and will realize that the first change was the one that happened in you.
Love,
Rita Cascia
