Why is my boyfriend so jealous?

Question: I have been dating for 1 year and 3 months, I love my boyfriend a lot, but his problem is that he is jealous! I am aware of the commitment I have with him, and I show him I love him. I don’t understand why so much jealousy. In the last week I broke up with him because of that, I don’t know what I do now. I can’t deal with his jealousy that wants to manipulate me, but at the same time I don’t want to be without him. He is an amazing person, but sometimes he doesn’t know to be patient or understanding. If he call me in my cell phone and I don’t answer he keeps saying I am doing something wrong. All I wanted is his comprehension. We have talked many times, but nothing changed.

(Send by Jéssika, in Dec. 26 2011)

Rita:

Dear Jéssika,

Any means that use reason, like explaining and talking is not the right way to try to make better someones that suffers from jealousy. That’s because jealousy is separated from the reason. Jealousy is an irracionality, an inconsciousness. You can explain to someones why they don’t have to be jealous and perform actions to make them feel more secure. They can understand in the first moment because of the logic. However, in the very instant they feel insecure again, the subconscious will speak louder. The jealousness will come back in the same way you have witnessed before.

Possessiveness is a part of the being that is dormant. And the only way to take it out from such state is a very deep inner awakening. Because when you talk about uncontrolable jealousy, you are talking about very deep layers of the subconscious, that mix a bit of animal instinct with everything that the individual has learned from the society.

What makes human-beings different from irrational beings, is that the they have the capacity of making their instincts conscious and, regardless of these impulses, they can choose what to feel about every event and how to act.

The problem is, the goal of evolving and becoming each time more aware and conscious, is hindered by the society, that put so many ideas in the mind of the individual.

For example, imagine a young man raised in a certain country which society is mostly attached to patriarcal values, that doesn’t allow men to show feelings. Also, in which there is much prejudice about the feminine figure, that teaches that the husband has always to be alert because the wife can be betraying him and, if she really is, that would be his worst humiliation before friends and family.

Then what happens is that this young man is in a trip, doing some turistic activity and there are many people from different countries. So he notices that there is a dutch family in his group.

The Netherlands, like many other countries, is a country where the society is transcending basic need of survival, and many dogmas of the society as well. In this kind of society, many of its citizens have already moved their energies from the lower chakras to the heart chakra. You can notice that the energy of these places is more feminine, more directed to the acceptance, the receptivity and tolerance.

Anyway, what happens in that tour is that everybody is gathered in a swimmingpool in an activity of swimming with the dolphins. When comes the Dutch family’s turn, the five year old son is the chosen one to go first to play with the dolphin, everything under the trainer’s supervision. Right after, as soon as the boy approaches the little animal, the boy gets scared and starts to scream and to cry desperately. Then, he starts to agitate his hands and feet to swim back to his parents. That is when the father holds his son in his arms and, with a sweet smile, calms him down with a lot of affection and patience.

Later, as the other members of the family went on playing the games, the boy started to get used with the all the situation and also with the dolphins. He could already interact with them without getting scared and, in the end, he had got so familiar that he was even asking to repeat some tricks.

That is when another participant of the tour, a lady, begins to stare at the father holding the boy. She was really admired, because about ten minutes earlier that child was crying and now he was feeling all happy and confortable. And as soon as the father realizes the lady is curious, he turns to her and says proudly with a smile: “Yes, he is more confident now!”

The young man, who was since the beginning observing everything, started to think how beautiful was the relationship of this father with his son. And, what touched him the most was the comment that the father had just made, for it sounded more like it was coming from a mother.

He then recalls his own father and imagines if that situation of the little boy getting scared had happened with him in his childhood. His father would have punished him, he would have forced him to face the dolphin, as it would be inacceptable for a boy to be afraid of such an inoffensive animal. He would have made him to deal with the situation to show everybody he is brave and capable of doing things. He remembers his father wouldn’t allow him to cry or to show weaknesses.

This man feels then, that he wants one day to be like that father, so full of love and compassion. Nonetheless, little does he know that this will be a long journey. That will require a lot of energy. He will need to get in deep touch with himself and, yes, he has great chances of achieving it, because the real intention and the desire are already there.

But what is important is that you understand how much effort is needed to change something so intrinsic. Now that this young man has became aware and will start to try to change, is when he will see how present are the ideas that his father and the society in general inserted in him as a child.

For this reason, the first you have to do is to have compassion. Your boyfriend, like you know him today, is nothing more than a product of society. You have to see him like that in the first hand and try to look at his attitudes with understanding.

At some point he felt like crying, like admitting that he is fragile, but he was repressed. And this sadness kept trapped inside for a long time, but it has to come out in some way. And when it comes out it does it with a foul smell, like water when it comes out from an old clogged pipe. 

The sadness then comes out like jealousy and incomprehension, because this is how the past repressions of his father and uncles would come out too. So he grew up learning that a man just has to be jealous, because he saw men acting with their wives in the same manner that today he acts with you. But actually, this is just the way he learned to express the sadness he has inside. And this negative feeling form a wound that has to be healed. 

 

That explains why it is useless to talk about it many times like you have been doing so far. This is the reason why things haven’t changed a lot.

All the attitudes of your boyfriend have a root that are much deeper than the mind that is used to dialogue. That’s why these attitudes must be approached in a deeper level.

Look, not only him, but all the society is starved for love and compassion. There are societies that are more advanced in this path if compared to others, but everyone is still walking to arrive to the total consciousness.

Even if sometimes the society might seem satisfied in general, you have to know that it is actually begging from the inside for a little bit of affection and for experiencing at least once some true and unlimited love. That is why if you, Jéssika, wants to become extraordinary, you just have to choose to be total in the love and you will be able to heal wounds of those who are close to you.

It is ok if you ended the relationship, because life moves in different cycles and you are now preparing to the one that follows. Maybe it is going to be with this same person or maybe with another one, but it is going to be a new cycle.

Affirm to yourself that you are abundant source of love and healing power. Thus, whatever it comes in the next cycle will come in a superior energy and in a more elevated frequency. Because you have grown and evolved with all this experience and there is no walking back in the Existence.

Keep always concentrated in your truth, in your conviction, that you have the power to transform a critical situation in total love and acceptance. And it is the energy produced from this conviction that will cure someone’s injuries, not the words from the mind. Also this consciousness will give you self-confidence, which will be transmited to the other person and increase the confidence that they need.

Love,

Rita Cascia

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