My boyfriend wants me to change, but I am already giving my best!

Question:

Hi, how are you?
I wish you could help me as I don’t know what to do.
I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 20. We have beem dating for 3 years. At the beginning everything was wonderful, but now everything changed. My boyfriend picks on me all the time. I can’t even speak. Anything I say is reason for a discussion. He says that I have to change, I have even made a list, mas he doesn’t make me secure you know. It doesn’t matter how much I try, he never notices. The funniest thing is that he says it’s not even with him that I have to change that much, but with other people. We had a talk and I asked if I ever got pregnant if he would stay with me. He said that if I didn’t change he wouldn’t be with me not even with a baby in the middle. When I go to his house I stay alone practically the whole day. He spends more time with his friends than with me. When it is not the football it is the computer (games).
I complain a lot about his lack of affection, as he is not the best at being affectionate. I do everything to make him feel secure with me …
I always try to be a helpful girlfriend; I am very affectionate, I love to make him happy but he doesn’t help me at all. I just want to understand why he wants me to change if I am so helpful towards him.
Help me please. I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes I feel like breaking up with him :(

(Sent by Jennifer, in Dec. 23rd  2011)

Rita:

Dear Jennifer,

The first thing you need to understand is that all his boyfriend’s complaints come from the mind. And the mind will never be happy. That afirmation can sound disapointing at the beginning, but if you understand this truth more deeply, all your frustrations about the expectations of other people will not only be disminished,  but also eliminated.

See Jennifer, in order to find inner peace, you need to quit waiting for the day when your boyfriend will say you are good enough. Because nothing is good enough for the mind. Eventually, after some spiritual awakening and emotional growth, it might be that your boyfriend will get in tune with the chakra of the heart and will start to speak from there. That will be the day when he will say he accepts you, that you are perfect for him. And it won’t matter if on that day you were helpful of unhelpful, affectionate or indifferent, if you said or not the right word in the right moment. Because on that day, he will have left the mind.

When the individual is not in the mind, they simply stop judging and being demanding. They just accept whatever is there. They are receptive to everything Existence brings to them.

The truth you have to be sure about, is that if you met each other, is because Existence brought you to him. And you don’t need to do any effort to satisfy whatever you imagine that he expects from you. Because your being is already manifesting itself to him. You are there, happening to him at every moment, at every vibration of each one of your atoms of your body. Because of that, you don’t have to do anything that comes from you mind with the purpose of quench the desires of his mind. That would only increase his desires, because searching for more things to desire is the very nature of the mind.

  You only have to do what comes from your heart. Just be yourself without expecting that his recognition or his satisfaction will make you feel more secure.

Observe the following situation: in the first place, you feel insecure. The fact that you ask him if he would stay with you in case you got pregnant, is a demonstration of this insecurity. In the second place, because you demonstrate it through act or questions, his boyfriend knows you are insecure. He knows you fear to lose him. Now, there is the possibility that for him this is a comfortable situation. Many people feel good about the fact that someone is emotionally attached to them and that this person constantly fears to do something “wrong” that can make them fight or separate.

For these people is convenient to be in a relationship which its success or failure is the exclusive responsibility of the other one involved. Because they make the other one falsely believe that if the relationship comes to an end, he or she is going to be the injured one, as they make their partner also think that they don’t care that much if they continue together or not. Even if they like their boyfriend or girlfriend, and even if they know they would also get hurt with the break-up, they are so insecure and so fragile from the inside, that they want to make the other one to feel anxious for them.    

It is a way of self-protection. It is a mechanism to create a shell and assign to one, a mission that should be of both. When the shell is there, if a discussion takes place, all the protected party will do is to judge the other. Always, the other one, the supposedly interested in the relationship will be the one who didn’t act in the proper way. And it is easy to be sitting on a throne of truth, wittingly determining whether his partner’s behaviour is right or wrong. But the fact of someone placing themselves on this throne, reflects their own fear of being judged, their own self-doubt and will of running away from the responsibility.

Applying this concept on your case, you can notice that for your boyfriend is comfortable to be entertained with his own activities, like computer games, friends, football and from there to be judging your act and your way of being. But that is the moment for you to see that you need to feel self-assured enough to show him that he also needs to do something in favour of the relationship, not only you. Your self-confidence will remember him that if you split up, he will also loose and will also feel the pain. And this self-confidence you have to develop from inside out, instead of waiting for it to be given to you by someone else.

The way how your boyfriend must demonstrate that he cares by this relationship, is maturing and giving importance to your needs also, like knowing the time to leave the friends and the game to be with you. But to achieve that, you have to show him that you are not the only one who is interested. Create the necessary space to make him feel your value and how much you are important in his life.

Start from getting in touch with yourself, with your own feelings and concentrate your energies in flowing each day. Do only what makes you flow, what makes your heart happy, even if you won’t get anything in return, and your frequency will start to elevate. If your boyfriend is able to catch up with such frequency, also his acts will naturally become more elevated. Remember, the root of this concept is the supreme truth of the Universe and from there comes everything you witness in your life.

Blessings,

Rita Cascia

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