How will I have the strength to change if my boyfriend doesn’t believe I can do it?

Question:

Good Afternoon Rita,

I loved your blog!!!!!!!!!
My relationship is already in the end and I don’t know how to get it back, I don’t have strength anymore.. I’ve always lived a relationship with many demands...I would always demand a lot from him. Actually, I was always very immature and today I can see this big mistake...which I regret a lot because I had on my side a person who would do everything for me but with my attitudes our relationship started to cool off, because he was always there giving while I was smashing him from the other side, until the end of the relationship...we had spent 8 months apart, that was when he got envolved with a friend from college who I always believed that there was something between them. I won’t be an hypocrite saying that I didn’t get envolved with anyone else in this period we were apart, but the conclusion is!?!... we started dating again in november 2010. However, the expectations toward each other are now three times bigger. Me from my own side expecting things of him and him from the other side expecting things of me also. He has become very different, self-confident, acting cold toward me, choosing his friends over me, example: today it is his birthday and we are not going to see each other because he goes to college in the morning, works during afternoon and is a trainee at his own college at night. If it was before, he would make sure that we spent time together... afterall, it’s 4 years and 8 months of relationship and the person on my side doesn’t believe I can change... how then will I have the power to change?

Thanks.
Patricia

Rita:

Dear Patricia,

There is no pure water in the nature. If you want pure water, you have to boil it. Just as the water needs to go through a process, also you need to do it in order to change. Finding out how to cope with the distant behaviour of your boyfriend is just part of the process.

Look, you want to change, you want to be more tolerant and less demanding. This is a great change that has to happen from the inside out. This change won’t take place with a simple mind resolution, with some promisse made to yourself that you won’t act in this or in that way anymore from the first day of a given month.

If you noticed that your attitude didn’t help in the relationship, you must look at this attitude as something that comes from a wound that is inside you. You learned to act like that because maybe someone did the same to in the past. Or maybe you felt a very big rejection and today you fear it to happen again and the way you found to protect yourself was demanding things from the other person.

And you don’t have to blame yourself. That is just the subconscious. A child is like a sponge, everything you say or the manner you treat them are efficiently absorved and much probably will remain there for a lifetime.

All that was absorved will stay in the person during that life, unless the day comes when they become aware that something is not right and, therefore, the deep wish of changing arises. And, from this point, a sequence of acts and events begins, which can be long and painful, but which is also very beautiful when you see it from the outside, with the eyes of the soul. It is a transformation, a bloom, it is exactly like the impure water that becomes pure after boiled. And, although it might ache for the water to go through all that heat, all the effort is rewarded for what comes after.

And the most important thing you already have, which is the consciousness that that girl from the past is not the best that Patricia can be. The knowledge that she is capable of being more than that already exists. And the Existence is very merciful. The Existence is not even like a mother, the Existence is more like a grandmother, of those who pamper you a lot and make everything you want.  

The Existence gave you the chance of coming back and restarting from the beginning but, at the same time, She is a very wise old lady. She knows that you cannot be another person in the blink of an eye just because suddenly you decided so. She wanted to give you an approach to achieve this. And that is how it happens when someone has the desire of changing.

Your boyfriend feels that he was hurt and is acting defensively. And dealing with a person in such condition is something extremely tiring, it can wear you out. Several times you will feel like giving up, nevertheless, learning to overcome this situation is exactly what you need to reach the change from the inside out. This is the process that Existence assigned to you and, believe it or not, that was the easiest and shortest way that She could find. She contemplates all the paths that are available and, from these, She always chooses the smoothest one.   

You must always have in mind that all of this will envolve smashing your own ego. You will have to breathe deeply to remain patient, you will have to find the right words to say and sometimes you will even have to give the other person the reason even if you don’t agree. And all of that will make you another person.

Many people prefer to stay with their own egos. Many chose to keep being the same, to not to go through any transformation. But, if the desire doesn’t come from themselves, in some other life that will have to happen when they least expect, because all the souls are walking toward purification. And what makes you special, Patricia, is that you wanted to transform by your own will. You are ready to break your ego because you know that the way you used to be is not your nature.

Imagine a person you know who is very resteless, anxious, who talks way too much, who doesn’t allow anyone else to speak, who is always complaining about some problem. Now, picture this same person after a year, but now he or she is at peace, happy, saying only nice things and at the appropriate moment. You suppose then, that she had some awakening, that she must have gone through a process that made her change. And about this process, would you say it was something simple and that lasted only one day? No, as for the sake of having achieved such a significant evolution, something a lot bigger has to have happened to this person. It was something strong enough to sweep away fears, insecurities, childhood traumas, very deep wounds.

The process that is given to you is always of the size and complexity enough only to bring the transformation that you need. It is always an exact dose, never more, never less. For this reason, you must see this man as a master, as a guru sent to you to make you find your own essence.   

Now you know that changing doesn’t depend on someone believing if you can do it or not. Now you know that it is your destine to change and to be what you were born to be, which is light and total consciousness.

Love,

Rita Cascia

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