Question:
Hey , so im in a very confusing situation . It caused me a lot of pain but to begin with i wanna say my name is Andrea , and im a singer! so I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. It all started so perfectly, he was literally all i ever wanted in a boyfriend, my perfect match.Super attractive which was a major bonus, definitely a ladies man !! after about 4 months things started to get really hard; he lived 45 minutes away from me, with no car . Our relationship basically consisted of drop-offs at the movies, dinner, and phone calls every night. The phone calls were the base of our relationship, without them, it wouldnt have worked . With just these phone calls, we fell so in love with each other. The way he was, I was too , and for the first time i didnt clash with someone i had soo much in common with . That love for him grew into the urge to see him more and more but of course, with no car, it was very very difficult. so the phone calls became almost a tease . 1 year and half into the relationship , we just about had enough of it n he decided to get a job so he can save up for a car to come see me more but in the meantime his cousin let him borrow his car so he can come after work . during that year and a half we became soooo overwhelmed with the situation that we would argue about anything and they would turn into breakups . always. we always got back together because he always seemed to prove his love for me every time we broke up and showed he cared . Arguments also included stuff like me singing on the phone and him telling me to shut up in a joking manner . (everything about him had to be a joke and i loved that about him..sometimes until it got to a certain degree which it did. ) , also a female involved in his life that he had sex with in the middle of our breakup to later still be involved with her after there intimacy and our relationship (no sex just phone calls ). He would also just hurt me a lot without realizing it . so this job of his takes up 7-8 hours of his days 6 days a week .( usually from 4p.m-12 a.m.) so that leaves us little to no time to talk at night like we usually do. ive tried to talk to him about how all i want is to speak to him so it hurts me when he ignores all my calls and calls me only when he feels like it . Its caused me a lot of pain because i understand how all he does is work so hes tired by the time he gets home and showers . But thats also not really fair to me right ? Especially if theres nothing neither one of us can do . i tried my best to ignore it until My friend had introduced me to a client to do some designs for him since i also studied graphics ...turns out hes a singer..like me ! as we talked more and more about music it was something ive never had with my boyfriend . every time i sang he really listened . every time i sang he joined in . every time i walked out a door , he was there to open it for me , he is the definition of a gentlemen. He turned into a very good friend of mine and he would call me randomly , i answered and our conversations were nothing but laughter, and good times. My friend told me that i should be with him so he can show me what it really means to be in a relationship with somebody that i deserved . (i always came crying to her every time i had an issue with my bf , she always understood.) This made my whole situation so difficult . Now this other guy is talking about having extremely strong feelings for me and is looking to really be with me but i told him i couldnt n wasnt ready so he agreed to chill out . a month later i ended it with my boyfriend because every night he was at work and promised to come see me but didnt or promised to call but didnt, they would turn into just nights of tears for myself so i felt like i didnt deserve to be hurting so much ; i should be happy in a relationship, and i was not . But then of course, as always , he poured his heart out to me telling me how im his first love, he will never let me go no matter how hard i tried to pull him away, also how he knows that this is just a phase we can get through together , saying stuff like how i broke his heart and mentioned how the only reason hes working that hard is for me and how its for us so he can have a car to come see me . He mentioned how sorry he was and how he didnt know it would affect me this much and that hed try harder to text me and stay a lot more in contact .so at that point i was very confused and just started crying. i didnt know if it were just one of those breakups were he begs for me back or if those were genuine . they truly sounded genuine but then again maybe i just thought it sounded genuine because i wanted it to be . All i have been doing is crying up a storm . the confusion hurts . it really does. This other guy and i have still been talking and i feel like he gives me the attention i deserve unlike my bf and that hed be more of a gentlemen with me.. But i love my boyfriend and i find it so hard to let him go especially since we have something that is so hard to find whenever we are with each other . our connection is crazy anyone who is near us will be able to notice .almost impossible to not notice our connection and what we have when we are put in the same room. we are like best friends in love with each other when we are together ..what do i do ?please help me . please.
(Sent by Andrea)
Rita:
Dear Andrea,
Your relationship can work out, but in order for that to happen, you have to identify the game that is going on between you and your boyfriend and let him know, through actions, that you won’t be playing it anymore.
This kind of game can happen in any relationship you might have in the future, so learning how to identify and how to end it, is a lesson for your whole life. And you will always have to be aware of it, or else the pattern may always come back.
There are key phrases found in the account you gave me of your situation that make visible the roles that are being played in your relationship.
For instance, on the phrase: ”...saying stuff like how I broke his heart.” When you are trying to end the relationship he inverts the roles making himself the victim. This is the typical behavior of a controlling person and a strategy to stay in control. This is trying to put the other one in doubt about him/her own feelings. Remember, this is not for you to feel angry about him, but just for you to be aware that if he is acting in a controlling manner, is because you, on the other side, unconsciously, are accepting to play the role of the controlled one.
You can listen to what he is saying, but do believe always in your heart first. If you feel he broke your heart while you were only doing what felt natural for you, this is the truth of your heart. If he mentions something that you also did wrong, again your heart will tell you if it is fair or not, and you will have the chance to give your most sincere apologies. But only after you learn to believe in the truth of your heart, you can move to the next step which is forgiving. And for all this process to take place, you don’t even have to argue with words. That is because when you are sure of your own feelings and trust them fully, your attitude will change without you even noticing and, in a subconscious level, he will realize that, with you, he won’t be able to play the controlling game.
”...how the only reason he’s working that hard is for me and how it’s for us so he can have a car to come see me.” This is a manipulative thing to say. Here, again, he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself and putting himself as the one who is losing something and you as the only one who is getting a benefit with his having a job. If he says that he works hard only to be able to come and see you, isn’t seeing you something that he also wants? Saying things to make it look like you are the only one interested, makes you feel in an inferior position and again puts him in control. Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself to believe that someone is putting an effort towards you. However, you deserve that someone puts an effort towards you without making you feel bad because such effort is being made. Otherwise, this would be a very high price to pay.
“...he didnt know it would affect me this much and that he’d try harder to text me and stay a lot more in contact.” He knows what affects you, just as you know what affects him. And mostly because you had had this discussion before. It is very common of the controlling ones to not to commit by using the word “try”, instead of taking the decision of simply doing it. Also, with the word “harder”, he means he is already trying hard, but you are asking more of him because, supposedly you are so demanding, so he will try even harder because that was just not enough for you. Besides, he is talking about texting, which is something people will find any minimal gap in their schedule to do it when they are interested. And he knows that you know it, but causing you to think that he is not completely interested in keeping contact with you, is just another way of keeping control.
So now you know that if his declarations seem so genuine, is because they are genuine. He means every word he says, but if you analyse them, they don’t translate into love, they only reflect his controlling side. The important thing though, is that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t have love to give out.
See, Andrea, the mind is divided. That is why the ordinary love, which is the love that comes from an ordinary person, as opposed to the love from an enlightened being, is also divided. From one side, he knows he wants you and this side does love you. His other side, on the other hand, thinks that, to get what he wants, he needs to be controlling. But this is not his essence. This is a behaviour that he learned from past experiences.
If you yield to this sort of behavior, you will be just feeding his ego, his need of keeping control. And yielding means something as (apparently) small as only believing what he says. Therefore, just focus on the fact that he is still with you. This is his only doing so far that means love towards you. All the rest, all the words put out there to control you, the unanswered calls, just refuse to take them. Tell your heart that you are not taking it. Then, from this moment on, you won’t mind them. And this not minding will make you feel at peace because even though those things did happen, they didn’t happen to you, they didn’t happen inside of you. From this moment on, you will have built a shield that protects you from the side of his mind that you don’t want.
And if you are asking yourself right now if he will notice that change in you, you can be sure he will, and that can even make him collapse at the beginning because his mind is so used to have you playing the complementary role that he needs to keep playing his own. However, that is your love for him, and that is what will make him change and let his real essence shine.
As for this friend you are having, you will only be happy with him if you see it as a chance Existence is giving you of starting anew, and letting go completely the relationship you are having in the present. On the other side, if you still feel there is a very strong connection between you and your boyfriend, be total in your efforts of breaking the pattern that is been going on. You two have beautiful hearts and a lot to give to each other.
Love & blessings,
Rita Cascia
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