My boyfriend brings me down.

Question:

My boyfriends constantly wants me to change, like my attitude, he loves me, and cares but he brings me down almost all the time. Now, he wants me to change the way I dress up, my style, we've been together now for a year and few months, when we started dating I had this same style, I mean, a normal one, and even he has remained with his same style, he just wants me to change because our relationship isn't working this way and I feel very depressed about this, I already have a low self esteem and he just destroyed the few I had left. It's like he wants a different person, rather then me, and he says he loves me, and the thing is I love him too.

(Sent by Anonymous)

Rita:

Dear Anonymous,

The only one capable of bringing you down is yourself. This is the first thing you have to know in your heart. You had been judging and being hard on yourself for all the years before starting this relationship. Now, what your boyfriend is doing is just reassuring you what you have always believed in: that you should be another person, that you are not good enough and that you should change in order to be accepted.

It might be difficult for the mind to understand, but you are all the time living materializations of what you believe in your heart. So, first of all, you have to change your beliefs about your own being.

You could start by just loving yourself for simply being who you are. You have such a great heart, and this is more than enough reason for being proud of yourself.

There are so many people out there who feel pretty comfortable torturing others. They take pride on judging people, telling them what is right or wrong and making them miserable. And still, these people lay down on their beds in the night thinking they are good. Of course this doesn’t mean they truly love themselves. Actually they feel some sort of hate about themselves but being mean to others is the way they found to deal with that self hate. But still they are proud, and thinking they are happy because apparently nobody can bring them down.          

And this example doesn’t mean that the solution is to become like them, as this would just create a superficial barrier against other people’s hostilities and you would still be miserable inside. This example is meant for you to start looking at yourself in a different way. You are the kind of people the world is in so much need. People with a great heart and compassion. But these kind of people can’t shine and show their value if they feel less because society made them believe they are worthless because they are incapable of stepping on others. So, you have to be aware of the preciousness and importance of your qualities.

The world doesn’t need more politicians, more Nobel prizes or even more great athletes. Maybe the world has had enough of this. In other words, maybe people don’t need to see more egos trying to smash other egos. Maybe instead, people need to see examples of big hearts performing acts of love and compassion. So, if you are a sensitive person, and one day you were made believe that nobody needs sensitive people in this life and this made you feel less than others, know that this is all wrong.

You are a rare human being. You just have to know that. Everyone needs a kind and sensitive presence in their lives and your boyfriend is blessed to have you. This is the first thing you have to be confident of.

Look, there was this girl whose boyfriend used to put her down. He would complain about her style, about her weight and was always trying to change her. So they broke up and she eventually married another man. Then, one day, her ex wrote her to say sorry for everything he had told her in the past and she answered saying she was married and had found someone who loved her for who she was. Well, but what this girl didn’t realize is that at some point, when she broke up with her boyfriend, she decided to love herself for who she was and made the resolution that she would never be brought down by anyone again. And then she attracted this person who she ended up marrying. This means, the change occurred inside first, and when that happened, she found her happiness. She didn’t necessarily need to break up with the first boyfriend, but it is ok, because this was her process, this was what took for her to change her heart and begin to love herself.

So, if you love your boyfriend, and he loves you, you don’t have to break up just because of this issue you are telling here. Once you take the conscious decision of accepting yourself, he will begin to accept you too. It might take a while, but it is a beautiful process. For now, for him, trying to make you change is what love is about. He wants to make you perfect and this is his idea of love and caring about someone. But as time goes by, with you being loving and receptive, he will develop the true sense of love.

You can change your style as something you are giving to him, like a present, but always keeping in your heart the feeling that you are doing it out of compassion and also that this doesn’t really matter, because the style is just the shell. The style is just the stuff, just what is outside, but what really matters is what is in the hearts of both of you. You have to tune your heart until you find the point where the style issue is just a child’s game, something superficial and that you adopt one or another with the only purpose to have some fun.

You don’t have to take it seriously. Take it as lightly as you can. Try to not give it much importance, because this is not something that will last forever or that will grow. Only the love will grow in your life. Love is like those trees that won’t stop growing. And as love gets bigger, the style issues gets smaller and smaller. It will shrink to a size it will be almost invisible.

Celebrate yourself for being who you are. Forget about what other people have said about you, because they don’t know how infinite you are. Never limit yourself based on people’s opinion. Refuse to believe you are just a style, because you are not. There is an endless mystery inside of you, and unveiling it is a journey meant for you to love and to enjoy.      

Kindly,

Rita Cascia

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