Question:
Hello,
I have recently moved in with my boyfriend. It is both our first place but he is from the country and I have lived in the city before and he is miserable. I find that when I am super happy on my own with the animal(dog and cats) and he comes home it takes only a few minutes for my mood to assimilate to his somber attitude. I always feel upset when he's around and happy when he's not. But lately he has been going and doing his own thing up to three times a week with out me and if there is something that we both like to do I have to nag him to do it. Which make me feel like a b- well, you know what. I really don't enjoy or have knowledge about cars and racing(which is what he does now) and I kind of feel dooped, because he said he was only going to be doing this once a week through the summer. I've told him these things and it seems to be good for a week and then right back to the same old thing. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to make him stop doing what he likes, but why doesn't he seem to like doing anything with me any more? Is this a normal amount of time for someone to be away from their committed partner(1 to 2 work nights from 5:30 to as late 11 pm and most of every Saturday) every week? I just feel like I would never do something like this to him and if I did that he would be upset. Maybe you could just throw out a few points of view for me as I have obviously been dwelling on this issue because it has not been resolved.
(Sent by Kellie)
Rita:
Dear Kellie,
There is a lot of sense in everything you are saying. All the reasonings you are presenting make it clear that you are right. It makes it clear that one should expect more companionship from a partner than what you have been having. Your boyfriend really seems to be leaving you aside to pursue his own interests.
And all this would put you in advantage if this was a legal dispute or a relationship between two business partners. Then, a judge or a conciliator would just declare who is right and the other one would have just to yield to whatever was decided and change his or her attitude.
However, you are talking about love. And love doesn’t have any rules. Love doesn’t know what is right and what is wrong. Love doesn’t work the same way as all other civil affairs, because it is not meant to be governed by the mind and follow its reasonings. Love lives in another dimension, and one should never try to understand it, but only surrender to it.
The mind is used to use reason at all times. And that is fine, because this is the way human beings can get their food and, therefore, survive. The mind needs to plan, observe others, apply logic to get what the body needs in order to keep going. It is like a tool, like an umbrella that you use when it is raining. But, what you need to remember, is that when it is not raining you have to put the umbrella away. Similarly, when it comes to love matters, you have to put the mind and all its logic away.
A romantic relationship can be so frustrating and hurtful. And the only cause for it is that people invariably try to plan love in the same way they would plan a meal, or an assignment, or something at their jobs. They try so hard to do it and utilizing just the same rules. And then love comes and proves how inapplicable these rules are and then they feel so defeated and puzzled, wondering what went wrong.
Naturally, it couldn’t go right, because love is a jump in the unknown. You can never plan it. You will never know someone completely. That is why all the judgements and expectations towards the other, can at any day, show themselves wrong. When you are in relationship, like the one you are in now, you have to know that there are no limits for transformation. But you have to let love flow unobstructed by the mind. And it takes just one, it doesn’t matter if he is aware of that or not.
Picture yourself as the fountain of love. Remember, love is not something like food that you have to ask for. You have it inside of you, your whole being is made out of it, as well as happiness.
Day after day, visualize it. And you will realize, by yourself, that all you want from your boyfriend can become true. But at the same time, you will understand that you wouldn’t like it, or it wouldn’t make you happy if you got it by the mind ways. This wouldn’t bring you happiness if one day you both discussed about it and, in the end, he admitted you are right and he is wrong, so he started acting according to what you expect or according to what is believed to be normal in a normal relationship, like you said yourself. This wouldn’t bring true transformation from the inside, it would be just a superficial change and you would still feel like something is missing.
Dear Kellie, you don’t have to compare your relationship to others and trying to raise it to a normal level. Remember, when it comes to love, there is no normal, there is no standard. Love is infinite mystery. Each relationship is unique because each person is unlimited. Even if you really tried to investigate into other couples you know, you wouldn’t be able to find the ideal you are looking for.
And that is because again, the ideal is just something made up by mind. Reality is already perfect. Only the mind wants to ignore it and envision a perfection and seek it just to feel disappointed in the end, instead of enjoying what is already there.
You can, right now, declare yourself the most determined to be happy person in the world. And you will be it, doesn’t matter the attitude of others around you because, again, you are the fountain, you are the light bulb. And even if he doesn’t know it, your boyfriend also is. And if you project onto him your own thought that you fully believe him to be it, he will transform because he is also an unlimited being.
And when things get tricky, turn back to your heart and surrender not to the sad feelings but to love and let it work its magic. Then, just tell yourself: “I will let love do its own thing.”
Love,
Rita Cascia
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