Question:
Rita, I came across your site yesterday and just loved it. I identified myself with your way of explaining things. I your help so much. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, but he is 10 years older than me. He is 30 and I am 20. He dated a girl for 12 years, who even married as soon as they broke up. He is crazily jealous about my past. He wants to throw in my face all the boys I kissed, he had a crisis in front of my house, slandering me out of his silly jealousy. His sign is aries, very explosive, and I am gemini. Our relationship was very good, he wanted to be all the time with me, everyday he would say he loved me and that wanted to marry me and have children... But after so many discussions our relationship started to cool down. Now, he comes here to my house, doesn’t even give me a kiss when he arrives and goes right away to the internet, since there is no internet in his house. So I started to invert the situation, like I read in your article, to stop pressuring, because all the times we discuss he says I suffocate him. But yesterday I got really upset, as he got here at 7PM, used the internet, didn’t even give me one kiss and left at 00:00AM without even having stayed with me for a while. So I couldn’t control myself, I did put pressure on him, so he changed his attitude and started being all loving with me. The things is that I wish it was spontaneous, not only for obligation (I felt the worst woman in the world). It seems that when I don’t act like that, he feels relieved. But also he doesn’t realize that I am on his side and he doesn’t even care. So when he was leaving I said: “Really, it is been 6 hours you are here and you just played in the computer”. EVERY TIME WE DISCUSS I HAVE TO GO AFTER HIM, BECAUSE HE IS SO PROUD, he doesn’t come after me. He says that I don’t give myself any value going after men (him). He says that when we fight I don’t have to be in his house right after, as he wants his space, but I think exaclty the opposite, that we have to solve it soon after. I don’t like to leave things like that for another day. He says I demand too much from him.
Honestly I don’t know what else to do. I love him very much, but lately he has been acting coldly, doesn’t even kiss me when we see each other. He says I am evil but he needs me.
Rita, I am very controlling, I must confess, but I love him very much. All I wanted is his affection, in a spontaneous, uncompelled way and to relight our flame of love.
If you don’t help me my relationship will be hanging by a thread!!!!
Please Rita answer me as soon as possible.
Thanks
Rita:
Now what you can do to eliminate the mind is to comprehend in the heart that there is no scarcity in the Existence. Scarcity is just a belief originated by the human being. They got so used with such belief, that this is what turns out to be their realities. And just as most people, you also believe in scarcity. You believe in the scarcity of love, care and affection and the behaviour of your boyfriend is just manifested in such a way to not to disappoint your convictions.
Hence, if you contemplate it from the spiritual dimension, the soul of this boyfriend is in fact pampering you, conceding you what you expect to receive. And he, in the dimension of the mind, like you, also believes in the scarcity of love and attention, because he does exactly everything he supposes that will draw your attention.
You may feel true love for him, but your mind, taken by scarcity beliefs, is not letting this love flow. You need to remember that the Universe is abundant. All this Existence is, in this instant, overflowing with feelings of love, care, affect and trust. And from the very moment you accept this truth, you become receptive to it and all of it comes to you without you having to ask. All of it is brought to you in a spontaneous way, exactly as you would like it to be. Because after all, spontaneously is the only way how these feelings can manifest.
If you believe that Existence has more than enough for everyone and that you, as part of the Existence, is source if this bounty, you won’t be able to demand attention from anybody. And now you understand that this is different of a promisse, because in a promisse the mind is still present. Now the mind was eliminated by the supreme truth, which, from now on, starts to be reflected through your deeds.
Now you see that is not by chance that your boyfriend arrives at your home and goes straight to the computer. And all the other attitudes, aren’t by chance either. All of this is intentional to cause in you the reaction he hopes for. Because when you are going crazy due to his disregard, you are not talking to your friends or worrying about yourself. Your are dedicating you time and your energy exclusively to him, even if that is damaging for your emotional health.
But this is the moment to show him that there is much more than that to wish for. That this is not how he will get the love he needs. When he behaves badly you have to make it clear that you don’t want to play this game anymore. He has to see that you have much love but it is not by you both doing what he wants that he will achieve to have this love.
It’s like a child who, in order to persuade the mother to buy a toy, makes a tantrum in the supermarket. If this mother wants to give love to her son, she can’t hit him as many think that is the right thing to do, but neither should she reward him. She must guide him in the sense of teaching how you should ask for what you want, of pointing out the best path.
And you must also guide your boyfriend for he is a child who needs a toy, in this case, your attention. At the beggining, he won’t like it that you are not playing according to his rules anymore. But not everything has to be about what he likes. You must also have your part of control in the relationship, but this control has to manifest as a tool capable of directing both to something deeper, more real and in consonance with the truth of the Universe.
Blessings,
Rita, I came across your site yesterday and just loved it. I identified myself with your way of explaining things. I your help so much. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, but he is 10 years older than me. He is 30 and I am 20. He dated a girl for 12 years, who even married as soon as they broke up. He is crazily jealous about my past. He wants to throw in my face all the boys I kissed, he had a crisis in front of my house, slandering me out of his silly jealousy. His sign is aries, very explosive, and I am gemini. Our relationship was very good, he wanted to be all the time with me, everyday he would say he loved me and that wanted to marry me and have children... But after so many discussions our relationship started to cool down. Now, he comes here to my house, doesn’t even give me a kiss when he arrives and goes right away to the internet, since there is no internet in his house. So I started to invert the situation, like I read in your article, to stop pressuring, because all the times we discuss he says I suffocate him. But yesterday I got really upset, as he got here at 7PM, used the internet, didn’t even give me one kiss and left at 00:00AM without even having stayed with me for a while. So I couldn’t control myself, I did put pressure on him, so he changed his attitude and started being all loving with me. The things is that I wish it was spontaneous, not only for obligation (I felt the worst woman in the world). It seems that when I don’t act like that, he feels relieved. But also he doesn’t realize that I am on his side and he doesn’t even care. So when he was leaving I said: “Really, it is been 6 hours you are here and you just played in the computer”. EVERY TIME WE DISCUSS I HAVE TO GO AFTER HIM, BECAUSE HE IS SO PROUD, he doesn’t come after me. He says that I don’t give myself any value going after men (him). He says that when we fight I don’t have to be in his house right after, as he wants his space, but I think exaclty the opposite, that we have to solve it soon after. I don’t like to leave things like that for another day. He says I demand too much from him.
Honestly I don’t know what else to do. I love him very much, but lately he has been acting coldly, doesn’t even kiss me when we see each other. He says I am evil but he needs me.
Rita, I am very controlling, I must confess, but I love him very much. All I wanted is his affection, in a spontaneous, uncompelled way and to relight our flame of love.
If you don’t help me my relationship will be hanging by a thread!!!!
Please Rita answer me as soon as possible.
Thanks
(Sent by Nanda)
Rita:
Dear Nanda,
Rita could tell you that all the details of your boyfriend’s personality define an abusive character. And that you must recognize that in this moment you find yourself in an abusive relationship and you need to decide what to do about that. Also that some of his attitudes, like slandering and ignoring you, must be confronted, because if you allow that, this situation only tends to become worse.
Well, and these are really typical symptoms of the abusive personality. Uncontrollable jealousy, seeking closure, torturing you saying you don’t respect yourself for going after him, are behaviours that are capable of causing much emotional harm to any person.
However, what Rita would rather tell you is that you have in yourself the power to transform your relationship.
Nobody was born cruel. People learn cruelty with the society, from their own experiences in a given environment. And, if this person is acting like that with you, remember that this is not his nature. All these actions are only in a layer of the mind.
And what you are doing now is to act accordingly to what is in one of the superficial layers of your mind. So, what you have is two superficial layers hitting one against the other, fighting without any results. And nobody sees results simply because these layers have just to cease to exist.
If you two are able to break at least one layer, the most peripheral, you will start to see real effects. Because you will be one level less distant from your essence, the total and divine consciousness, which is God.
You can start practicing by breaking your own mind, for then breaking his, but there is a right way to do it. For instance, you cannot tell yourself: “I won’t pressure him, it doesn’t matter what he does, I won’t put pressure.” That is because the promisse of “not pressuring”, comes from the mind. You are still in the same level, just trying to walk in the opposite direction. That is why all the resolutions and promises are doomed to failure, because remember, what you really need is to go to another floor.
Now what you can do to eliminate the mind is to comprehend in the heart that there is no scarcity in the Existence. Scarcity is just a belief originated by the human being. They got so used with such belief, that this is what turns out to be their realities. And just as most people, you also believe in scarcity. You believe in the scarcity of love, care and affection and the behaviour of your boyfriend is just manifested in such a way to not to disappoint your convictions.
Hence, if you contemplate it from the spiritual dimension, the soul of this boyfriend is in fact pampering you, conceding you what you expect to receive. And he, in the dimension of the mind, like you, also believes in the scarcity of love and attention, because he does exactly everything he supposes that will draw your attention.
He needs love and have no idea of what to do to have it. The only way he knows is this that he is doing right now, which is not working, as it is creating a barrier between you two. However, he thinks that this is actually working, because when you look for him after a disagreement or demands more affection from him, this is the maximum he has ever experienced. He thinks this is the best he can have, because he has never experienced true love. He doesn’t know it even exists and much less what it is about.
You may feel true love for him, but your mind, taken by scarcity beliefs, is not letting this love flow. You need to remember that the Universe is abundant. All this Existence is, in this instant, overflowing with feelings of love, care, affect and trust. And from the very moment you accept this truth, you become receptive to it and all of it comes to you without you having to ask. All of it is brought to you in a spontaneous way, exactly as you would like it to be. Because after all, spontaneously is the only way how these feelings can manifest.
When you accept a truth of the Universe, like that the Existence is meant to give you more than you want and more than you need, you are crushing the mind. As the mind of the human being believes in the opposite.
And if you want to crush someone else’s mind, you must crush yours first. And then, you will smash and pulverize all that your boyfriend thinks he knows about you. You will act in a way he doesn’t expect, you will stop being Nanda to be yourself.
If you believe that Existence has more than enough for everyone and that you, as part of the Existence, is source if this bounty, you won’t be able to demand attention from anybody. And now you understand that this is different of a promisse, because in a promisse the mind is still present. Now the mind was eliminated by the supreme truth, which, from now on, starts to be reflected through your deeds.
Now you see that is not by chance that your boyfriend arrives at your home and goes straight to the computer. And all the other attitudes, aren’t by chance either. All of this is intentional to cause in you the reaction he hopes for. Because when you are going crazy due to his disregard, you are not talking to your friends or worrying about yourself. Your are dedicating you time and your energy exclusively to him, even if that is damaging for your emotional health.
When he says you are evil but he needs you, he is talking from his subconscious that, even if it has to be in a conflictual manner, he needs you pressuring him all the time, as this is the only way he knows to feel that he is loved.
But this is the moment to show him that there is much more than that to wish for. That this is not how he will get the love he needs. When he behaves badly you have to make it clear that you don’t want to play this game anymore. He has to see that you have much love but it is not by you both doing what he wants that he will achieve to have this love.
It’s like a child who, in order to persuade the mother to buy a toy, makes a tantrum in the supermarket. If this mother wants to give love to her son, she can’t hit him as many think that is the right thing to do, but neither should she reward him. She must guide him in the sense of teaching how you should ask for what you want, of pointing out the best path.
And you must also guide your boyfriend for he is a child who needs a toy, in this case, your attention. At the beggining, he won’t like it that you are not playing according to his rules anymore. But not everything has to be about what he likes. You must also have your part of control in the relationship, but this control has to manifest as a tool capable of directing both to something deeper, more real and in consonance with the truth of the Universe.
Blessings,
Rita Cascia
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